Thought Bubbles...

musings, rantings, and what-have-you, about my own small part of the world, and my 'sometimes' not so-ordinary life...something to read and reflect on, and which hopefully will bring a smile to your face... :)

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Open letter to an AH*

Oiginally written in 2001. No explanations needed.

Open letter to an abusive husband

To my husband (former best friend and now-tormentor),

While I’m writing this, I still can’t believe what has happened in my life. When I married you, this is not at all what I thought married life would be. Being together for almost ten years, I felt confident that there wouldn’t be any more surprises. There was a time when we could both say that we were both truly happy and in love. And I felt lucky then that I married the man of my dreams. Being young and so in love, we had lofty dreams and could only expect that our happiness would be for forever. But that seems so long ago now.

Whatever happened to the wonderful, loving man I married? I thought you were the man of my dreams. Turns out now, you’re the man of my nightmares. Being married to you wasn’t always like this. I remember the first time you ever hit me was when we had a major fight 2 years into our marriage. And I thought that was going to be the worst of it. But now, although our fights have been few and far between, I still can’t imagine that you would EVER hit me again. But what hurts more than the physical pain, is the emotional pain of the abuse you inflict. The lies, the betrayal are all just too much. I trusted you, and yet you trampled on that trust and continued to live the life of a bachelor…

I still can’t believe that this is happening to me … to us. I can’t decide which hurts more… the physical pain or the emotional abuse. Are your infidelities your way of getting back at me, to show me that you are still “man of the house”, the “head of the family”? Do you really feel so insecure that you need to hurt me this way? Whenever we fight.. correction, whenever you start and pick a fight, it’s as if you take out on me all your frustrations with your business, and your career. Success has eluded you, and although before I felt that you were genuinely happy for me and for my own small successes, I also saw envy in your eyes. Does it make you feel better about yourself that you’re stronger than me (physically)? That you can make me cry?

Now, you have reached the limit of my patience. The last time you hit me, I guess it surprised you when I hit back. Harder. And with fire in my eyes. Though you’ve always known me to be a fighter, I know that you expected me to back down and let you dominate me. I’m frustrated, sick and tired. Sick and tired of this hoax we call our marriage. I wish I didn’t feel this way about you. For one, I still do love you. And I took to heart the oath “in richer and in poorer, in sickness and in health” when I married you. But now, I feel as if I shouldn’t be bound by this oath when you are the first one to violate it.

Where would you be without me? Did you ever stop to think about that? You probably don’t (or can’t) imagine that I would ever leave you. But believe me, the thought has crossed my mind countless times. And when I daydream of a life without you, it certainly makes me feel better that what I feel now.

I have a message for you… I am NOT afraid of you. I know your purpose is to dominate me. But I will not give you that satisfaction. I can live without you. And I will be happy.

Unless you change your ways, be warned. I want to take ME back. You don’t own me. Nor do you own our children. You can be sure that if and when I do leave, you will never see me or our children again. That’s a promise I plan to keep. We can live without you, and we will be happy.