Amusing quotes about marriage

Now, for the funny and amusing quotes about marriage… :)

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him. ~ H.L. Mencken, A Book of Burlesques, 1916

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~ Rita Rudner

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
~ George Bernard Shaw

Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night. ~ Paul Hornung

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~ Doug Larson

Divorce: The past tense of marriage. ~ Author Unknown

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
~ Katherine Hepburn

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage. ~ Robert Anderson, Solitaire & Double Solitaire

There is no such cozy combination as man and wife. ~ Menander

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

The sum which two married people owe to one another defies calculation. It is an infinite debt, which can only be discharged through eternity. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ~ Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints, 1966

An object in possession seldom retains the same charm that it had in pursuit. ~ Pliny the Younger (Gaius Plinius Caecilius Secundis), Letters

If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping. ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for granted relationship. ~ Iris Murdoch

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation. ~ Author Unknown

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. ~ Paul Sweeney

Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had. ~ Francis Rodman

Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose. ~ Beverley Nichols

Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is. ~ Author Unknown

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together. ~ James H. Boren

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. ~ Raymond Hull

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent. ~ Socrates

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you. ~ Jean Rostand, Le Mariage, 1927

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. ~ Isadora Duncan

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. ~ G.B. Shaw, Getting Married, 1908

A first-rate marriage is like a first-rate hotel: expensive, but worth it. ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Here's to matrimony, the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented! ~ Heinrich Heine

I figure that the degree of difficulty in combining two lives ranks somewhere between rerouting a hurricane and finding a parking place in downtown Manhattan. ~ Claire Cloninger, "When the Glass Slipper Doesn't Fit and the Silver Spoon is in Someone Else's Mouth"

A man's wife has more power over him than the state has. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Bigamy is having one husband or wife too many. Monogamy is the same. ~ Oscar Wilde

Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. ~ Author Unknown

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. ~ Author Unknown

Like good wine, marriage gets better with age - once you learn to keep a cork in it. ~ Gene Perret

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
~ Mae West

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. ~ Max Kauffman

The chief reason why marriage is rarely a success is that it is contracted while the partners are insane. ~ Joseph Collins

Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs. ~ Author Unknown

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. ~ Stephen Leacock, Literary Lapses, 1910

The most dangerous food is wedding cake. ~ American Proverb

Home cooking: where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Author Unknown

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Our marriage has always been a 50-50 proposition - with the possible exception of closet space. ~ Gene Perret

There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first. ~ Adela Rogers St. Johns

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. ~ Sacha Guitry, Elles et toi, 1948

It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others. ~ Helen Rowland, Violets and Vinegar

Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast. ~ Marlene Dietrich

Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman. ~ Joseph Joubert

The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. ~ Peter Devries

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. ~ Brendan Behan

Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect behind her. ~ Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? ~ Author Unknown

Love-matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. ~ Countess of Blessington

Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.
~ Sydney J. Harris

Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them. ~ Jefferson Machamer

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin. ~ Honore de Balzac, The Physiology of Marriage

Never marry for money. Ye'll borrow it cheaper. ~ Scottish Proverb

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. ~ Henny Youngman

The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast. ~ Gabriel García Márquez

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
~ Tommy Manville

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~ Socrates

Pity all newlyweds. She cooks something nice for him, and he brings her flowers, and they kiss and think: How easy marriage is. ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

One man's folly is another man's wife. ~ Helen Rowland

Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't; men hope women won't change but they do. ~ Bettina Arndt, Private Lives, 1986